The Keys to Failure: Tour Edition

I just completed a 60-date tour around the US in a '93 Plymouth Voyager minivan with a very skilled bassist and drummer, a 70 lb doberman/german shepherd (for the first half) and a tour manager in tow. We were homeless for 77 days in all. It was the single most educational experience in all my 11 years of touring and, for almost all intents and purposes, a success.
Here are some of the many lessons I learned:

THE KEYS TO FAILURE: TOUR EDITION by Gavin Castleton

I. BUSINESS
Simply put, as an independent touring artist you cannot afford to be frivolous about money (unless you are one of those trustafundians from Williamsburg). There is nothing artistic about being fiscally irresponsible, just as there is nothing artistic about being a drug addict... this goes double for those that want to play progressive music - you have to be twice as business savvy if your music is twice as hard to digest as the average musician's. The two opposing perspectives I have always wrestled with have settled into this one congruent precept: idealism in art, realism in business.

A. There are two types of listeners: those that show up, and those that don't.

B. Keep spreadsheets of everything, and record your expenses daily so that you can spot a bad pattern early on.

C. Keep a good list of contacts, both of the shows you did, and the Carrots* you met - color code the shows by how good they were.

D. Help the band you're on tour with however you're able, share floor space and food costs with each other as often as possible.

E. When someone actually fills your rider, leave no crumb behind.

F. Never forget that Merch is where you make the bulk of your money.
   1. Be sure to have credit card capabilities at the merch table: CDbaby swiper or iSwipe for the iPhone + Web Payments Pro (Paypal).
   2. The location of your merch table is as important as what's on it.
   3. In an all ages setting, put out all your merch options, and free items as incentives.
   4. In a bar setting, limit your display to 2 CDs and 2 shirts, and keep the freebies away from drunkards.
   5. Deposit cash often but keep ample bank for change.
   6. Keep track of all sales, look for trends and adjust the display/stock accordingly. Experiment with the display constantly.

G. Be transparent about your business with those in the van - that way they're not surprised when they don't get paid much, and you're not surprised when the end of the tour comes and they come looking for the big paycheck. Let everyone know how important it is to stretch money, in real time, and make sure they can see the results.

H. On a big tour, being friends with the crew is of equal or greater importance than being friends with the bands.
   1. They can let your set go over a few minutes, or cut you off a few minutes early.
   2. They work with many many musicians that you would like to hear about you and consider taking you on tour.
   3. You may consider hiring them in the future.
   4. They spend all day with the headliner - a vote of confidence from them is worth a lot more than one from an average citizen.

II. PERFORMANCE

A. Maximize impact.
   1. Get constant feedback from the road manager, band members, and audience members/fans about what songs/moments had the biggest impact. Never stop fine-tuning your show.
   2. Altering your music to appeal to a wider audience is suspect, altering your set list to appeal to the type of people in the room is just logical.
   3. Find rehearsal spaces as often as you can and use them.
   4. In a bar setting, play your loudest song first and your best song last.
   5. The right kind of charisma in a front man has far more impact than the tightest rhythm section.
   6. Write a short loop-able piece of music for every combination of instruments, so that when one someone has a problem the remaining members can immediately provide a soundtrack for the downtime.

B. Know your sound.
   1. Learn the sound engineer's name and use it on stage.
   2. When a sound man tells you your kick drum will be plenty loud in his club without a mic on it, without having heard your music or your kick drum, insist on a kick drum mic.
   3. Bring along everything you need to operate without a soundman: mics, mic stands, extra cables, a portable PA if possible.
   4. Be aware of your buzzy equipment and bring along ground lifts and power conditioners. Don't be in a position to be educated about your own equipment by a sound engineer (but ask her to educate you about hers).
   5. Bring a soldering kit and learn how to use it.
   6. Don't try to fix your equipment before a performance unless you have at least 3 hours of spare time (so you can find a replacement should you make it worse).
   7. Know how to run a small PA.
   8. Have a 2 minute piece of music that you always soundcheck with. Have it start quiet and slowly reach your loudest volume. Have it feature every instrument/patch/effect. If you check with the same thing every night, you will be able to spot abnormalities in the stage sound faster, and adjust for them. And the sound engineer will love you.

III. BOOKING
There are generally two types of venues: those that take care of their musicians, and those that expect musicians to take care of them. Unfortunately, there are far less of the former, but when you do find them, return often, and return that respect ten-fold.

A. Concern yourself with the line-up.
   1. Ideally you want your opening act to be attention-holding but non-threatening to your sales.
   2. House music is more cost effective than a horrible opener.
   3. Don't add local bands to the bill that just played a free show in their town 3 days ago
   4. Don't play on 5 band bills - that's the promoter's way of telling you "nobody draws"
   5. Don't let the club pay a DJ to spin after your headlining set. Bring an iPod and keep that DJ money.

B. Know who you're dealing with.
   1. Ask for a media list from every promoter. If they don't respond quickly with a list attached, then they are probably not a promoter.
   2. When a promoter tells you that the band you're playing with tonight will be "a good fit for you guys," it means he owed them a favor.
   3. When a promoter asserts "I'm an honest guy," that means he's not.
   4. On a huge tour, advance shows with the headliner's road manager, not the club directly.
   5. When you arrive, take stock: do you see any of your fliers hung in the club? Do you see any around town? Did you get a Facebook event invite from the promoter? If you answered "no" to these questions, challenge the promoter fee.
   6. Ask for stuff - if you don't ask for the hotel rooms, they'll never be offered to you. If you don't ask for a band discount on food, you often won't get it.
   7. If you've been doing shows for 13 years and a club offers you a door deal that seems really weird and illogical but they insist that this is how it's always been done, don't play the club. There's a reason most door deals look similar.

C. Don't rule out open-mic appearances - their audiences are 99% musicians, and usually very open minded (the downside is they're broke).

D. Do reconnaissance: if the town is cool but the show sucked, ask everyone where you SHOULD be playing and with whom. Ask your tour mates for clubs that they enjoyed playing in other towns - pool contacts with all the musicians you meet.

E. Proper routing is of equal importance to the actual quality of the shows you play: if you have to drive 16 hours to play a show (there and back), there is not much chance of you coming out on top financially.

IV. MORALE

A. Expect the worst show, and be prepared to play your best show.

B. Make an effort to relax on days off.

C. Value the sleep of your band mates as much as your own. If you're awake before everyone else and aren't late to hit the road, shut up until everyone else is sitting up.

D. If you need sleep, tell your host multiple times before arriving at their house. If they are drunk, tell them you have to get something from the van, and then sleep in the van.

E. Don't date anyone in the van.

F. Tour with people you can relate to: comedically, philosophically, financially, musically, etc.

G. When you get access to a kitchen, use it - not just for the nutrition and cost efficiency, but for the soul.

H. Long drives aren't just bad for the wallet, they're bad for the spirit.

V. VEHICLE
Fuel efficiency is everything. Aside from a massive car accident, gas is the single highest expense on a tour, so your mission is to do everything to minimize the use of it.

A. Stay up on your oil-changes and van maintenance. Whatever the cost now, it'll be twice that if you wait (and your mpg will most likely suffer).

B. Observe the speed limit. "While each vehicle reaches its optimal fuel economy at a different speed (or range of speeds), gas mileage usually decreases rapidly at speeds above 60 mph. You can assume that each 5 mph you drive over 60 mph is like paying an additional $0.24 per gallon for gas. Observing the speed limit is also safer." - fueleconomy.gov

C. Use cruise control wherever possible, and overdrive gearing wherever possible.

D. On long drives always give yourself two extra hours for a flat tire.

E. Get AAA. Get AAA.

F. Clean out the van at every other stop. Mold leads to sickness.

VI. TRAVEL SAFETY

A. Bring enough earplugs for the whole tour. Buy in bulk and give them out at your merch table (with each mailing list signature).

B. Be sure to have GPS and an iPhone in the van at all times.

C. Be aware of all band members' allergies in regards to housing and hospitality.

D. Be aware of the climate you're traveling through: air conditioning for the desert, heat for the mountains.

E. Bring the same amount of clothes as your band mates and keep your laundry cycles aligned.

F. When in Philadelphia, bring all your equipment with you everywhere you go. Sleep with your equipment.

VII. THINGS I DID WRONG
- waited too long to get medication once my LA Cough started
- talked too much before the shows, even though my voice was already on its last leg
- played shows in the midwest
- played shows in Pennsylvania
- played venues that allow smoking. The potential listeners will never outweigh the hospital bills and damage to my voice.
- failed to warm up my voice properly before every show
- didn't keep a checklist of equipment (cost me about $220 in gas and shipping)
- repeatedly asked for peanut butter on the rider
- didn't use flip flops while showering in the girls basketball team's locker room at Xavier College
- paid $115 to an "independent contractor" for a parking boot in Chicago. When it is not a state-sponsored boot, wait until the guy is gone and take it off with a lug wrench. Or call the police.

* car⋅rot [kar-uht] –noun
1. Someone who asks for a free "demo" to give to his cousin who works for Sony.
2. An audience member (one of four) that promises the next time you return to town (s)he will personally guarantee a sold out show.
3. A person masquerading as a promoter who claims the ability to put together a show for you at a larger venue in town with a big national act that (s)he "is suuuuuuper tight with." Rolling Stone, Spin, and various MTV sister stations will all be in attendance. NOTE: correspondence will slow to a stop as the projected date grows near.

Micropoem: to my room, upon returning home from the war

you're a monastery of my socks, an ark of my scent

Proof in Polyphony

The tones I hear are immediately alien to me, but like all hack music journalists, I will hereby attempt to describe one sensation with words designed for another: I hear a bed of harmonies, stacked thin and tall like sheets of wax paper, supporting what is clearly a loan "voice" bouncing around on top. The harmonies sustain and bend in tiny steps like an organ of some sort, but taste like a product of the 80's; like the sawtooth waves of a poorly synthesized string patch. The arrangement and melodic structures are just as alien, clearly organized but not adhering to any rules of American music that I can recognize... unpredictable and unheavy.

As quiet as the night has become, we are still unable to discern the exact source of the music in the Fisher Price city. We crane our necks in every direction but just as a melody rises to meet our ears, a car will buzz by on the busy road up near the house and sweep it upward.

I am content to keep trying but Dave is ready for plan B, "Amplifier. Gavvy, go get an amplifier."
"We'll need another extension chord or something to get---"
"ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF. AMPLIFIER!" he asserts, pointing to the house.

It takes me ten minutes to figure out exactly what the best course of action is for this new mission. I should use condenser mics if I hope to capture such a timid source, but that means I will need a phantom-powered mixer. And if I'm going to go to that much trouble, I might as well try to record it so I can dissect it later (and also present the proof to you, who even as you are reading this, think me a liar). Unfortunately I don't own a nice battery-powered condenser, nor do I own one of those small digital hard disc recorders. I run up to my room, grab my laptop (which, thankfully, is charged), my portable audio interface, a Shure SM57 and an XLR cable, and race outside. I have to stop halfway down the dirt hill leading to the backyard in order for my night vision to catch up. Dave must be watching me because he hisses, "Gavvy, get OVER here." I steer the pile of gear I'm cradling towards his voice and scuttle towards it.

I should have connected all my cables inside where there was ample lighting, but I'd been too worried about missing the tiny show. So here I am frantically assembling my portable recording rig using only the screen glow from my laptop. The micromusic comes and goes, wafting by my ears just when I think it's finally over. It soon falls completely silent, but before it does, I'm able to record this.

I go away for measly one tour and this happens...