02-04-2020: I Tell the Children That I'm Sorry

I promised to keep the kids busy at the park for at least two hours
so that Sarah could get the house in order and all the laundry sorted out.
I told her that the party was her idea so she could damn well clean it up herself.
I didn't mean to snap but since mom died last week I haven't felt like myself
I only just turned forty two and all I think about now is my health.
I know I've gained some weight but Sarah's so nice, she claims she can't even tell.
Two nights this week I dreamed that my teeth crumbled when I tried to eat.
When I wake up my gums feel weak - I make the kids brush their teeth til their mouths bleed.
I feel ambushed by my body or at least a little misled
as if the blood that moves my parts can't keep up with commands coming from my head.
Sitting on a park bench, watching Zooey climb to the top of the slide
where she'll cry until I come up and get her
Sarah says she does it for attention but I think she knows better.
There's a girl with these legs running laps on the track
I watch the muscles sing in her thighs
when I turn back to Zooey I'm confronted by the eyes of a young mother helping her down
she greets my approach with a full body frown
"Maybe you should keep your eyes on your own child," she sniffs.
I pretend not to hear while I oversearch for Chris.
I get him and bolt down the street to the pharmacy,
Chris screamin bloody murder 'cause we had to leave.
I get my pills refilled so I'll be good for the party
pop one on the walk home 'cause I feel the panic starting...
I keep saying that I'm sorry...
I tell the children I'm sorry...

2020