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Saturday, June 12, 2004

Planned Parenthood - A Guide to Child-Reering

For many years I have felt my biological clock ticking. It is not un-often that I find my work suddenly interrupted by the notion of fatherhood. I’ll be out in my workshop twittering around when out of nowhere I’m all but stifled by the need to influence the thought of or assign remedial tasks to someone at least 1/3 my height. I believe it is common for someone of my age to feel these instinctual paternal urges, but I doubt that it is so common for someone to have as clear of an idea of the potentials of parenthood as I do. I believe it was the 21st century scientist William Nye who said, “science is the noblest cause, and children are the ultimate sacrifice, so it is the ultimate noble thing to sacrifice them in the name of science.” I have not yet embarked on the great mission known as “child rearing,” but I intend to make the greatest of sacrifices in order to further science and the very nature of “family.” The following are preliminary outlines of some experiments I hope to conduct as soon as I am blessed with little carbon copies of myself.

1. Using the Seasons to Reinforce a Positive Role Model
Hypothesis: The first sight of snow is a once-in-a-lifetime otherworldly experience that few parents have truly capitalized on. I propose that it is not only an opportunity to instantiate guilt for any shortcoming (of your choice) in the subject (and subsequently have that guilt be associated with something as reoccurring and undeniable as “bad weather”) but also one with which to establish the parent’s role as that of a God with supernatural powers and life-saving abilities.
Requirements: This experiment must be enacted when the subject is old enough to know right from wrong (in a primitive sense) but not old enough to have any previous knowledge of the seasons or the elements – preferably 16 to 26 months. Experiment will be especially effective if the commencement of new employment coincides with the first day of snow.
Scenario: On an early day in the wintertime, when subject does something disagreeable, parent alerts child to the presence of snow. Parent is wrought with shaky-voiced fear and foreboding comments like, “It’s finally happening. My mother told me this day would come, but I never believed her.” Parent may improvise with scripture or prose of his/her choice and/or invention.
Working parent will leave for work frightened and doubtful, while other parent explains to subject, “Because of what you did, the earth is growing colder and colder. Soon we will all be frozen corpses unless your [working parent] can stop the process.” On or around the first day of spring (or whenever the weather improves dramatically) the working parent will appear at home, tattered and war-torn but radiant. The other parent will declare the working parent a hero and cook a special meal, and the subject will forever after be reminded of when [working parent] saved the world. (Note: I believe the success of this experiment may be doubled or even tripled if the working parent is able to remain completely unseen by the subject for the full extent of winter. This experiment may be most suited for families with a member of the Army Reserves or Alcoholics Anonymous)

2. Rethinking the Parameters of Adolescence
Hypothesis: Puberty has always been a great source of pain and ostracism for budding teens. I feel it an unnecessary gauntlet for the youth to run, and if the “glasses” through which the subject is forced to view aging were simply inverted, that view would be a considerably more endurable. Any foreign impulses or emotions undergone by the subject will now be easily attributed to the sex change. Though this inversion cannot possibly remain intact for all of the subject’s life, it can easily and safely be abandoned after those tempestuous years known as “adolescence.”
Requirements: This experiment is best initiated just before the onset of puberty. It is imperative that the subject be prohibited from involvement with any sexual education courses or peer interaction pertaining to any information therein.
Scenario: Parent (of the same sex as subject) sits child down before bedtime one night to have “the talk.” Parent then proceeds to explain that, between the ages of 13 and 17, normal (it is important to stress that the change is not scientific law, per se, but is expected to occur in any child of “normal genetic makeup”) children’s body will slowly mutate to the opposite sex. Since children of that age rarely pay any attention to biology, there is no limit to the magnitude of fabrication the parent can recite to support said change. Both parents and any normal siblings should testify regarding their own sex change. Have fun with it:
“Daddy, was a very pretty girl when he was little – that’s why he’s always ironing his clothes or shaving.”
“Mommy used to be a stout little boy until she changed over in ‘68. That’s why she still has a little hair on her top lip!”
This can be very effective in instances where subject suffers harassment by the opposite sex at school. “Soon little Suzy will be a boy, and he will be asking you to go steady with him!” It can be a viable physical manifestation of the great karma theme that most parents use to calm their troubled youths in the growing years.
(Note: success of experiment may be increased if parents are able to enlist the help of neighbors, friends, and relatives – simple testimonies to support the sex-change phenomenon can go a long way in legitimizing it in the subject’s mind)

3. A Healthy and Less Traumatizing Introduction to Death
Hypothesis: Various studies by lots of various child psychologists have shown that children who are sheltered and blinded by their parents from life’s bigger issues (i.e. sex, religion, death, etc.) are often plagued with that educational discrepancy far into adulthood. It is that disservice to the youth (particularly in the area of death) that I wish to remedy with this experiment.
I propose that instead of avoiding and convoluting the topic with statements like “Rover has gone far away to be with other dogs” or “Grandma changed into a bird and now she’s always watching you from the phone lines,” one should introduce the subject to death as a physical and undeniable part of life.
Requirements: This experiment is best initiated when a family pet dies. Subject should be young enough to sleep in a bed, preferably without other siblings in the room.
Scenario: When subject becomes aware that the pet is no longer moving, breathing, eating, etc., parent should sit subject down and explain that the pet will no longer do any of those things. It is important to drive home the finality of the whole endeavor. The subject should be required to keep eye contact with the corpse for 5-minute increments until bedtime, at which point the body should be lightly scented and placed in the bed with the subject, once again maintaining eye contact. It should be made clear that the animal is incapable of harming the subject in its “new state.”
(Note: in cases where the child simply cannot sleep, the corpse may be kept under the bed for the week)

4. Regulating TV Viewing Based on Altered Perceptions of Cranial Circumference
Hypothesis: It is not uncommon for a parent to be plagued by their child’s over-consumption of television. Typically, the regulation of that viewing will become a sore spot in the parent-child relationship. This experiment is designed to shift the negativity usually associated with the authority figure onto an intangible entity like “science.”
Requirements: In order to conduct this experiment properly, one should purchase 3-5 hats of the exact same design, but ranging in sizes from very small to very large. The subject should be given at least one month’s time to grow comfortable and attached to the hat. A realistic shrunken head (purchasable at any gag shop) will also improve the effectiveness of this experiment. It goes without saying that the subject must have established an “addiction” to any number of degenerate children’s programs.
Scenario: It is important for the parent to establish a loose and careless attitude about the subjects TV viewing habits, giving the impression that the subject can decide for his/her self “how much is too much.” If the shrunken head has been acquired, it should be given a home on the mantel (or a ledge close to the television), and constantly referred to as “Mark” or “[parent] Jr.” when in the presence of the subject. When parent feels that the subject has spent too much time in front of the TV, he/she will make a passing remark alluding to a fate like “Mark” or “[parent] Jr.” The implication should not be explained, merely hinted at. That night, when the subject is asleep, the parent replaces the beloved hat with the hat one size larger. As consumption increases, the process should be repeated again, to another size larger. As consumption of proper programming (PBS, Discovery Channel, etc.) increases, parent must replace the hat with sizes smaller and smaller. It is crucial that parent comment subtly on subject’s “eyes getting smaller” or “ears being too small to hear instruction” but never declare an actual change in head size. Positive reinforcement is also necessary; remarks should be made on how the child seems smarter, quicker, or not as well fit for his/her pillow as in the past.
(Note: this experiment is most effective when the subject is not in the midst of a growth spurt)

5. Encouraging Loyalty and Good Behavior Through Lenient Name Association
Hypothesis: Children in a good-sized family are often confused by the many names of their siblings, parents, pets, and friends. The value of a name is greatly decreased by this abundance, leaving the children with little to pride themselves in, and nothing to strive for until graduate school or marriage offers them a prefix or suffix. The merits that can be assigned to a name in a mono-moniker household can encourage competition, motivate children to increase productivity, and decrease wrongdoing.
Requirements: For this experiment to function a minimum of two children (ages 1-6) are required, and arrangements for the birth of two or more children must be made for the near future.
Scenario: It must be explained to all subjects (old enough to understand) that a family is made up of Michaels (for convenience, the name “Michael” will be used instead of the name of one of the parents – whoever wins the coin toss) and nobodies. It must be explained that the father and mother have permanent Michaelship, but that the subjects had not yet fully achieved it. Older subjects should be warned that newborn subjects will automatically receive the name, thereby converting an older subject into a “nobody.” There can only be one “Michael” among the subjects, it should be explained, and it will be up to them whether or not they are appealing enough to bare the name. Nobodys are not to be called “nobodys” because that would defy the purpose. Michaels will receive new clothes and toys, while nobodys will not be spoken to or looked at.
(Note: it is important to feed all children equally, so that each is physically able to compete for Michaelship)

6. Developing a More Balanced Brain
Hypothesis: Neil Armstrong once said, “the greatest loss mankind ever suffered was that I am right-handed, and not both-handed.” [Moon, 1963] The remorse for that loss echoes throughout elementary schools today. Children are forced to commit to one hand for writing, one foot for kicking, one eye for reading. Scientific readings have shown that this is a demand society places on the youth, not biology. Therefore, it can be reversed. I will outline the tools necessary to end the tyranny of the one-sided brain.
Requirements: This experiment is best conducted when the subject is entering first grade, and just beginning to write and participate in gymnastics. You will need two white cotton gloves, one roll of duct tape, a pair of rollerblades, lead weights, two cowbells, and hair clippers. This experiment requires 31 days of preparation time. This experiment will require a little “play acting” as well.
Scenario: In the month before the subject enters 1st grade, the parent will encourage the subject to practice his/her handwriting. The subject will no doubt have established the hand he is most dexterous with. But when he/she begins writing with that hand, the parent will appear shocked and disappointed. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!! That’s the wrong hand…” the parent will say repeatedly, and insist on running some tests. The subject will then be required to demonstrate how he/she kicks a ball, opens a door, and reads a page, to which the parent will always shake his/her head and allude to “treatment.” The parent will explain to the subject that if the other limbs are not used as routinely as the limbs he/she is accustomed to using, those lesser-used limbs will lose circulation and fall off.
Subject will then be encouraged to operate mainly without his favored limbs until school begins, at which time the use of further treatment will be considered. Regardless of any progress, on the first day of school the subject will be awoken two hours before departure in order to get accustomed to the new “treatment.”
The first step of the new treatment will be to shave half of the subject’s hair (the half that the subject uses least), lengthwise. This will loosen the tension to the weaker side of the brain and increase airflow to the cortex.
The next step is to put the gloves on the subject, and explain that they are to ensure selective usage. The glove on the favored hand must remain white throughout the day, while the glove on the weaker hand should be soiled. The duct tape should be used to secure the gloves to said subject’s hands (make sure that there is no clothing between the tape and the subject’s arm, as the gloves will otherwise be easily removed and the whole experiment will be void).
Subject will then put on the rollerblades, while parent ties the lead weights to the boot on the favored side. The duct tape should be applied to the seam of the rollerblades and the subject’s shins, in order to assure the legs get a full day’s workout. This will allow the subject’s body to grow accustomed to using the weaker leg, thereby equaling things out.
The final step of the treatment is to tape the cowbells to the subject's weaker limbs, which should make them more conscious of how little they actually use those appendages. The duct tape is used yet again to cover up the favored eye of the subject, and finally to secure the subject’s chin to his/her favored shoulder, in order encourage an alternative to the standard left-to-right reading methods.
One test drive around the neighborhood should have the subject proficient enough to brave the school day and on his/her way to a more balanced life.
(Note: it is important to supply the subject with a parent’s note explaining the experiment and the goals you hope to reach. Getting teachers to cooperate with the limb-banning is crucial to the subject’s success. It is unimportant if the subject’s peers are informed of the experiment)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this is fucking awful.... anyone who can do this to a child is mentally unstable. I hope you are NEVER blessed with children.